Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Barry Bonds brand denture adhesive.I like to watch sports on TV. Not all sports–I'm not a fanatic who wears a lot of sports clothing or drives a car with a big Patriots logo painted on it or has his front teeth enameled with "KU." I'm more of an average fan who likes to watch sports on TV while I'm sketching cartoons, gets wrapped up in the playoffs from time-to-time, and loves highlight reels of people doing amazing things like catching and throwing simultaneously while six feet off the ground and upside down, or running full speed into the Gatorade stand and wiping out half of the marching band.
I'm also a big fan of sports mascots. What a hideous, thankless job it must be to wear a foam rubber suit and jump around like a leprechaun with a jalapeno up his keister. The only upside to a job like that is that you're anonymous, so you can pretend it isn't supremely humiliating. I once read a story about a mascot who extolled the virtues of "getting paid to watch the game." True, but you're watching it through a mesh-covered fun fur slit with a cascade of sweat pouring down your face. I'd pay a hundred bucks to alleviate those symptoms if they were affecting my enjoyment of the game, wouldn't you?
On the subject of steroids, I say legalize them all. If consenting adults want to pour chemicals into their bodies and become freakish lab experiments to be able to jump higher or throw harder or look lumpier, what do I care? If they get so freakish that they are scaring the fans, we can always cover them up in fun fur.
